i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
