Your face is a jimmy john
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
