Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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