apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
