I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
