dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
