Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
