My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
