Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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