I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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