It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
