Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
