sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
