I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
