come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
