Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
