This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
