we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
