I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
