So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
