she looked like the before picture.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
