if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
