i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
