Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
