My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That's when you crack a 10am beer
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
being pregnant is like rehab
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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