His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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