MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How does one acquire holy water?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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