I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
