Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
