I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
