Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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