I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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