Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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