Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
