What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
