doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
