Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
