Four minutes until I can fart!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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