Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
