hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
