Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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