You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
