Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
