The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
