Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
