i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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