the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
