if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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