I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
