Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
